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Paul J Potesta, Ph. D.  |
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What Is IMAGO Relationship Therapy? IMAGO Relationship Therapy was developed by the husband and wife team of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. IMAGO is a Latin word that simply means "image." It is a picture we carry inside of us that is a composite of experiences, relationships and people from our childhood. We unconsciously choose a partner who matches that picture in some very important ways. Primarily, our partners match many aspects of our childhood caretakers both positive and negative. The problems stem from the things that we did not get or hurts we suffered at the hands of our caretakers during childhood. We unconsciously hope that our partner will, through the "magic" of love, heal the wounds created by our caretakers. Inevitably our partner cannot do this because he or she is busy trying to get the same thing from us. It is at this point that the couple's expectations and fantasies intersect in a cycle of failure, which is characterized by disappointment, betrayal, frustration, anger, sadness, pain etc. Thanks to Harville and Helen a way of breaking the cycle of pain and frustration has been created. IMAGO therapy provides a great deal of hope backed up by a sound method for healing and strengthening troubled relationships. One of the reasons I like IMAGO therapy is that it can help couples find solutions to their immediate problems as well as gaining a deeper understanding of the original childhood sources of those problems. It helps them to understand why they choose their partners and how to use that knowledge in a compassionate way to heal and renew their current relationship(s).
Defining the Power Struggle Another reason that I like IMAGO Relationship Therapy so much is that it transforms conflict into a positive healing experience. The emphasis is on establishing an environment where it is safe to share feelings and thoughts. The most critical aspect of this is that it almost immediately begins to lower the emotional intensity in the relationship. As the emotional intensity becomes lower it allows the couple to work through their differences in an organized, thoughtful and respectful manner. Usually a couple will come to see me after their relationship has run into trouble. Frequently one person is bringing the other in to get him or her or the relationship "fixed." Underlying their conflict is usually a power struggle, which is most often seen as a problem but not necessarily as a struggle for control. The power struggle may be about sex, money, inattention, conflicting loyalties or any number of things. Basically one or both partners is not really hearing the other. One person is more likely to be formulating a defense or attack while the other is trying to get his or her point across. Consequently, very little gets resolved, things begin to get worse or at the least go in circles, and usually both are left feeling misunderstood, lonely, afraid, hopeless, angry and in a great deal of pain.
The Intentional Dialogue The first thing I do is to get the couple engaged in an intentional dialogue. The intentional dialogue slows the interaction down and directs the couple to communicate from a position of awareness of self and the other. It is communication based on conscious intent. Most couples who come to see me unconsciously wound their partners. This hurts the partner and triggers strong emotional reactions in him or her. IMAGO therapy is designed to counter this negative communication loop in several ways: 1) It helps each partner become consciously aware of what triggers them and is wounding to them and 2) It helps each person to become conscious of what he or she is doing that wounds and triggers his or her partner, however subtle or obvious. My job is to help the couple find out what is really driving their unconscious power struggle and then to teach them to communicate in a way that validates one another through empathy, respect and kindness. They learn to listen and hear one another in a deeper way than they have ever heard before. This tends to restore trust, caring and intimacy in the relationship.
Exits Couples tend to exit from their relationships as a way of avoiding intimacy and/or conflict or as an expression of anger. Exits can take the form of affairs, addictions, sports, careers, computers, hobbies, TV, kids, family etc. IMAGO therapy helps the couple to close these exits and to commit themselves to working on the relationship. If this primary connection cannot be reestablished or strengthened then the relationship is at risk to fail. Strife, conflict or simple emptiness in a relationship is a signal for help. For those couples who act on these signals and make the commitment to work on their relationship half the battle is won. IMAGO Relationship Therapy Is For. Couples or partners who are:
Singles who want to:
IMAGO Therapy and Attention Deficit Disorder I see a variety of couples, who bring with them different types of problems. However, there is one area of couples therapy in which I have a special interest. It is the treatment of couples where one or both partners have Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. IMAGO therapy is especially suited to helping the ADD couple primarily because it asserts order into the communication system of the couple. Major problems for the ADD person that impact their relationships are disorganization, chaotic thinking, impulsiveness, inability to accurately express feelings, poor time management, job instability, defensiveness, sexual issues, difficulty remembering commitments and important information or confusing and meshing unrelated information leading to mix-ups and mishaps, and a myriad of other problems that place extreme stress on the relationship.
Diagnosis ADD often goes undiagnosed in our culture, and it's equally true that it is frequently misdiagnosed and sometimes confused with other conditions such as anxiety or reaction to stress. Proper diagnosis is important, consequently I will often seek consultation and assessment from colleagues who specialize in the evaluation and diagnosis of ADD. In addition I will also evaluate the couple when I detect signs of ADD in the relationship. Back to top Treatment Treatment of ADD involves education of both the ADD person and his or her partner, who frequently "just doesn't get it." Treatment also involves teaching communication skills, emotional containment, careful listening, and accurate feedback of information. I will also blend in coaching and instruction in basic organizational and life skills. Medication is sometimes a necessary component of the treatment plan. In this instance I will refer the person to a qualified physician for medication evaluation. Perhaps the greatest challenge for the ADD couple is to accept that the partner has ADD and to understand the effects that it has in every aspect of the ADD person's life. This takes time, empathy, sensitivity and understanding. IMAGO therapy is one of the best approaches that I have found to facilitate this process.
Key Words
Links IMAGO Relationships International CHADD - Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder. Attention Deficit Disorder Association - Adult ADD Resources. Additional Reading
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© 2006 Paul J. Potesta, Ph.D |
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